Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
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It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
There’s no “u” in narcissist
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Do not go gentle into that good night,
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes