Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

You’re the water to my grease fire.

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.