Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

We will we will drink you

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

*pours vodka after bad day*

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes