Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn