Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
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Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.