@TimmyPumpkin

dorothy: WET TSHIRT CONTEST!
wicked witch: NOOOOOOOOO!
tin man: worst spring break ever.

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@offbeatoliv

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

@DurtMcHurtt

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

@FattMernandez

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

@offbeatoliv

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

@LoveNLunchmeat

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

@OkigboHTX

Before you and ya girl get married, ask her if she would leave you for Michael B. Jordan. If she says “no”, drop her cause ain’t no point in building a marriage based on lies

@Smooheed

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

@ilovepie84

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

@Donna_McCoy

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.