I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
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[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Close call…
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
*sewing*
A thread
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.