Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.