Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.