DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
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An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Fluff me with a fork baby
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.