DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
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Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten