HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
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Home is where your toilet is.
Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I’ve heard for making racists dehydrate to death.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck.
Dad: So you’re saying they almost…
Mom: Don’t do it!
Dad: …mowed you down.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”