[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
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Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Super Hand Dog Face
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
cyclists
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on