Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
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acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”