Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
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Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I believe the plural is “milves.”
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.