Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

Sharon I have some bad news