Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

April 1st is the class clown of days.

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.