Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.