“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
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My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I’ve had worse
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*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.