Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

as a kid: i have to save up for this toy

as an adult: i have to save up for this rent

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT