Double negatives are never not confusing.
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having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.