Double negatives are never not confusing.
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My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade