Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
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At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
If a snake ate a cake
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Me when my alarm goes off
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)