Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.