Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

These aliens are taking forever.

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.