Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
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Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Body by sandwich.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
*launders Kohls cash*
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I think about this a lot
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me