Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
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If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.