Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
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Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere