Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
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My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.