Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
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When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.