Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
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I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!
Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!
Ugh.