Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Broom by every window for quick escape.

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.