Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

Battery falling down a hole

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

Good morning.

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

HERE’S MARKY

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*