Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
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Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
had to make it
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.