Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
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On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
This fish is cracking me up
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”