Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
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So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.