Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
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My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable