Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
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*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee