Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
You Might Also Like
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.