Doug is just Canadian for dog
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How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about