Doug is just Canadian for dog
You Might Also Like
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Happy Febuary everyone!
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.