Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe