“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
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*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Ugh but profoundly
Cinema or bowling
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”