“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
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Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
linkedin the good parts
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
How high do the levels go?
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards