dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
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thinking about this
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son