dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
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“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor