Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
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Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.