Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

facebook is down so i am having to improvise