Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
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Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible