Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
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“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester