Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
You Might Also Like
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.