Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!