Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
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Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
OH. COME. ON.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way