Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!