Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

Clients after you give them your rates

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

You don’t even know

WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

I’m sorry…what?

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES