dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
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Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Cucumbers Anonymous
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.