Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.

oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT