Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
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As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”