Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.