Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

Doctors texting each other.

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.