Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*

I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂