Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March