Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
never forget
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
