Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Siri: Retweet me.