@RoxiieHart

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

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@Ivsy01

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

@bombscribe

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

@Laser_Cat

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

@SwedishCanary

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

@KateWhineHall

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

@zachreinert03

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

@Darlainky

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.