Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”