Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
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Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.