Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
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Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
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Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.