*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
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Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
sistine chapel
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.