*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
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Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
this is the greatest thing ever
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.