*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
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My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.