Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

me during winter: will I ever love again

me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts