Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

👃🏻: what are you wearing?

😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”